Our Same-sex Wedding Etiquette

This is not Same-Sex Wedding Etiquette one size fits all. 

This is specific to our wedding.  However, I am posting it out in public space because it may be helpful for others who haven't thought about--or haven't communicated about--some of the differences and nuances of a same-sex union.

In planning for our wedding, we have run into various hurdles (speed-bumps, really; no one has put up actual roadblocks in Oregon).  These have even come from LGBT people and gay-friendly allies and vendors.  So, I offer you, our family and friends who are coming to our wedding, some hints and advice.

1.  We are not Two Brides.  Reading this statement is about realizing our complicated relationships with gender, with roles in traditional wedding ceremonies, and about being ourselves. I (Alla) am comfortable being referred to as "the bride".  Chicora is not a bride; but neither is she a groom.  Therefore, we have tried to dispense with the use of Bride (or Ms. and Ms., or even these two women).  We are The Happy Couple or Partners in Marriage.

2.  Let's just talk pronouns for a second.  Chicora's preferred pronoun is "they".  (As LGBT etiquette columnist Stephen Petrow reminds, "it’s always respectful to refer to people in the way that they identify and the best way to do that is to listen.") Because of the work Chicora does with college students, they don't often press for use of the preferred pronoun; but it is their definite preference.  "This is what makes them feel most comfortable, and seen." (quote and thank you to Ivan Coyote for ongoing gender lessons)

Be polite and respectful when you ask a person which pronoun they prefer. Then use that pronoun and encourage others to do so. If you accidentally use the wrong pronoun, apologize quickly and sincerely, then move on. The bigger deal you make out of the situation, the more uncomfortable it is for everyone.  Excerpted from GLAAD's "Tips for Allies of Transgender People"

3.  Wife?  Probably not.  We may continue to refer to one another as My Partner, even though we are legally wed.  I think there are some heterosexual couples to who follow this custom as well.  It feels right for us.

4.  Some wedding customs don't make sense, so we won't be doing them.  No tossing of the bouquet, no father-daughter or mother-son dance,  no father walking "the bride" (see above--I'm a complicated bride) down the aisle.  Like many couples of all ages and genders, we are crafting a ceremony and ritual that is about us.

5.  Just because our marriage is legal in Oregon doesn't mean it will be legal if we move to, say, Arizona.  I'm pointing this out because same-sex civil rights are not guaranteed across the United States.  End of political broadcast.

6.  We are so excited for our upcoming wedding!!!  I am thrilled to pieces that so many of the people we invited will be able to join us.  This ceremony, regardless of the legal status afforded us in the state of Oregon, is about being surrounded by our friends and family--and we expect you to hold us to our public commitment to each other, in good times and in trying times. 

C'mon and celebrate with us!

All planning, all the time

Gads, less than 90 days to the big event.  And it looms large...

Good thing The Boy moved out when he did: we turned his former bedroom into Wedding Planning Central.  Centerpiece of the room is the giant planning board.  Color coordinated (of course), and kept up-to-date by the Wedding Planner Extraordinaire.

She said today that she is the love-child of Martha Stewart and Bob Vila.  I believe it.

Favors for Book-themed Wedding

I am not a nick-knack person.  I generally see them as dust-gatherers.

And I don't believe that many of the wedding favors pushed by the wedding-industrial complex are welcomed by their recipients.  Who really wants a tiny jar of bubble soap?  Or barware engraved with our names or initials?

Our solution: bookmarks.  And children's books.

Each wedding guest who wants will be invited to take a children's book with them.  I hope that they will be loved, and read, and passed on to other children.

Sea of Blue/Teal/Aqua

Our colors are aqua and pewter, with touches of eggplant/deep plum.  We seem to have a plethora of blue shades at work here.

Clockwise from top left: (1) Sweetie's dress shirt, purchased for the wedding (she may not end up wearing it though); (2) Junior bridesmaid's dress, with swatch color card for reference; (3) ribbon fabric, will be combined with white tulle for the altar arch; (4) fabric for table decor; (5) embellished felt, for possible decoration; (6) the original inspiration fabric.
 

Blue landscape glass, for table centerpieces.

 Confidential for MB: is the color of the bag on the left too bright?  The flocked fabric on the right will be a table covering (gift table, most likely), the tulle in the center will adorn the bar area as bunting.  I have several of the purple bags--you can see they hold 4 pictures--but don't have a plan for how they might be used.

Got the Guest Book

Thanks to a timely coupon from Shutterfly, we made our Guest Book as a photo book, using one of the templates available on the site.

I won't say it was child's play, but it seemed pretty straightforward.  (Especially with Sweetie doing most of the work.)  We peppered the book with Selfies; seemed pretty cheesy, but fun.

I have seen good Shutterfly coupons from Groupon, from Coke Rewards, from the bridal shows we have attended, and from being on their email list from previous purchases.

Wedding Sewing/Crafting

That other post is taking care of sewing goals not related to my upcoming wedding, but I need a place to keep track of wedding sewing and crafting.  And my mind is reeling from all the To-Do lists I am trying to hold in there, so better to write it all down in one location.

1.  Oakie outfit
2.  Button/brooch bouquet
2.  Take in shoulders on Junior Bridesmaid dress
3.  Table runner for the cake table
4.  Ribbon streamers for the arbor
5.  Underlayer for table toppers
6.  Groom's gift
7.  Cover-up for the winery's statue

Only if there's time...
8.  Curtain poetry
9.  Knit boy briefs zip pouch
10.  Kleenex couch(es)

More Program-ish Ideas

I already mentioned the Wolfpack Program. (I sent this idea to my graphic design-y friend, and she is doing the artwork for me)  But I keep thinking of ways to entertain, surprise, delight, and inform our guests.  (Our wedding theme is "Loving, living and learning" and is represented with books and lots of text.)

One example of our text-y deliciousness

Mad Libs.  I really like this idea, since it goes so well with our book/wordy theme.  Found downloads for 6 different templates at Something Turquoise here and here.

I want to use something similar to the Mad Libs, but just like the I Spy cards I already bought from Green-Eyed Girl Productions, they are too traditionally gendered for a same-sex couple such as Sweetie and I.  Sigh.  Well... it just gives me more impetus to personalize.

Program Ideas

Yes, I probably would have known so much more about this if I went on Pinterest.  But it's a bad, bad place for a person with ADD such as myself.  Even more of a Pandora's box than the Interwebs themselves (which are already pretty bad)

Wolfpack Program (go ahead, look it up if you must; if you already know what it is, you are probably rolling your eyes at this point and saying "Geez!" at my clear lack of wedding culture knowledge)

Shamelessly stolen from: www.southboundbride.com/diy-wolfpack-wedding-programs/

Maybe I can get my seriously-talented almost-a-professional-graphic-artist friend to work on this one. 

While I'm at it, great compilation site for wedding ideas and DIY blogging info:
Wedding Bee

Desserts: art beyond the cake

I had a philosophical conversation with a friend of mine who is an artist about the ART of wedding cakes.  The traditional cake is a feast for the eyes, a way to continue the wedding theme, share more of the couple's personal story.  And so on.

I'm less of a cake person.  Can't eat gluten, for one thing.  But, as our wedding menu features a mish-mash of dishes that represent *us*, rather than conforming to a makes sense sort of meal plan, why shouldn't our dessert choice be more of a buffet and less of a cake/singular showpiece?

With that in mind, here are some dessert ideas I am tracking:

Party Inspirations blog.  Lots of great ideas here.  My eye was caught by the almost-rainbow ideas in the My Little Pony Party.

Wicked Dessert Treats Showcase by Crumbs! Cake Art design company in Sydney, Australia.  Can't get their stuff locally in Oregon, but can always look for ideas, right?

Weddings by Lilly has a great huge collection of dessert buffet ideas pictures.  I like the rainbow-themed marshmallows-with-sprinkles and fresh fruit skewers.  Both of those, especially, look like DIY ways to stretch the dessert budget (and put forward the rainbow theme!)

Ok, I also saw some rainbow-swirl cookies on Pinterest (I try so hard not to go there; so bad for my ADD brain).  I think they were titled Dr. Seuss cookies.

Finally, stopped by the local Edible Arrangements store to see what they had to offer.  Couldn't really get an idea of the size of their arrangements, but it seems like something there could help to stretch out dessert options.

Walt Whitman

To a Stranger

Passing stranger! you do not know how longingly I look upon you, You must be he I was seeking, or she I was seeking, (it comes to me as of a dream,) I have somewhere surely lived a life of joy with you, All is recall'd as we flit by each other, fluid, affectionate, chaste, matured,

You grew up with me, were a boy with me or a girl with me, I ate with you and slept with you, your body has become not yours only nor left my body mine only, You give me the pleasure of your eyes, face, flesh, as we pass, you take of my beard, breast, hands, in return, I am not to speak to you, I am to think of you when I sit alone or wake at night alone, I am to wait, I do not doubt I am to meet you again, I am to see to it that I do not lose you.

--Walt Whitman poem, found at http://www.poemofquotes.com

Guest Book idea

A cost-cutting and cute idea for a guest book is to make a personalized book with some photos--engagement shoot, or other photos of you as a couple--but lots of space for guests to write in.  Where/how to do this?

Shutterfly!  (Or other similar online sites.)  I say Shutterfly because, as of this moment, I have 2 coupons for book-making services (one from the wedding show we attended in February, one from my first visit to the bridal dress salon).

I bet we can make a cute, personalized guest book for pretty cheap.

Brooch Bouquet

Just heard of this trend, but apparently it's been around for awhile.  (I'm just not of an age to attend many weddings.)  Make your bridal bouquet out of a collection of brooches and sparkly things.

Reasonable tutorial on this site, but without pictures or diagrams of how it all goes together.

 one example from greenweddingshoes.com

You'll need 60 - 80 brooches or clip-on earrings.  Vintage brooches are recommended, because of their durability.  This is definitely not a budget-conscious move, but it could be something lovely that will last far beyond the ceremony.

Mmm, yummy.  Maybe I should start collecting sparkly things?

EnGAYged

So You're EnGAYged - a Gay Wedding Blog, billed as a wedding resource for LGBT and allied couples.

Check it out.  I spent some time looking at stories of real gay couples' weddings, and checking out the DIY section.  Good stuff there, but doesn't seem to be actively updated.

Photography tips

Out.com (didn't know there was such a website, I'll have to be sure and visit it again under different circumstances) had a nice article on wedding photography planning and tips.

I think I have a photographer picked out, but is it only because she shot all my children's senior portraits and is a colleague's partner?  I haven't looked into this enough.

Ideas that made my heart sing:
1 - a photo capturing "first look", when you see your bride-to-be for the first time in all her wedding finery.  I already know I'll be all puddles (better be sure to test the mascara for waterproof qualities) based on just seeing myself trying on wedding gowns.

2 - taking some shots to be used as "thank you" cards after the wedding, whether that's us standing in front of my white board in my classroom with the words printed in marker, or something a little more quirky/fun/photogenic.

Alternative dress ideas

Big fan of the alternatives to the traditional frothy bride.

Not gonna spend the time to flip this picture now.  Like the different colored shoes.  Love the halter/sailor idea at the collar.  And I look fabulous in a high-waisted trouser, if I do say so myself.

This was the day Sweetie proposed to me, overlooking the sea on our Alaska cruise.  I am wearing a silk gown with a mandarin-style collar and yoke.  It is sheath style, with a modest slit up one side.  I think it looks fabulous on me, and thus I feel very confident wearing it. 

Blackberry bouquet

Saw this in an old issue of Oregon Bride magazine (which was in the lobby of our Birthday Getaway lodge in Sisters--go figure).

Love the unripe blackberries in this bouquet.  So northwest.  Plus, I'm leaning toward green within the color palette.

Thomas Merton

Quote (seen on an episode of the tv show Criminal Minds):
“Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone--we find it with another.”

And, while searching for the correct wording of the above quote, another popped up: 
“Love seeks one thing only: the good of the one loved. It leaves all the other secondary effects to take care of themselves. Love, therefore, is its own reward.”

Creations by Ly - event planning

I found out about Creations by Ly from a blog post on Portland's Art of Weddings blog.  They are a Portland-based wedding and event planning service.

I am intrigued by the list of services they provide, and the amount of help one can ask for.  I never really would have thought about it like this...

Categories of Service Offered From Creations By Ly

1. The Complete Ensemble – Perfect for a Portland wedding that involves multiple days and out of town guests. Brides get help from start to finish.
2. The Essentials – This one is great for really busy couples. Full service from budget and design concept to managing onsite activities the day of your wedding.
3. The Collaborator – This lets brides decide what they need help with most and is the most versatile service offered.
4. The Perfect Day – This service begins 6-8 weeks before your wedding and covers everything you will need to actually enjoy the wedding you’ve worked so hard to plan.
5. A La Carte services also available.  (list borrowed from Art of Weddings)