This is specific to our wedding. However, I am posting it out in public space because it may be helpful for others who haven't thought about--or haven't communicated about--some of the differences and nuances of a same-sex union.
In planning for our wedding, we have run into various hurdles (speed-bumps, really; no one has put up actual roadblocks in Oregon). These have even come from LGBT people and gay-friendly allies and vendors. So, I offer you, our family and friends who are coming to our wedding, some hints and advice.
1. We are not Two Brides. Reading this statement is about realizing our complicated relationships with gender, with roles in traditional wedding ceremonies, and about being ourselves. I (Alla) am comfortable being referred to as "the bride". Chicora is not a bride; but neither is she a groom. Therefore, we have tried to dispense with the use of Bride (or Ms. and Ms., or even these two women). We are The Happy Couple or Partners in Marriage.
2. Let's just talk pronouns for a second. Chicora's preferred pronoun is "they". (As LGBT etiquette columnist Stephen Petrow reminds, "it’s always respectful to refer to people in the way that they identify and the best way to do that is to listen.") Because of the work Chicora does with college students, they don't often press for use of the preferred pronoun; but it is their definite preference. "This is what makes them feel most comfortable, and seen." (quote and thank you to Ivan Coyote for ongoing gender lessons)
Be polite and respectful when you ask a person which pronoun they prefer. Then use that pronoun and encourage others to do so. If you accidentally use the wrong pronoun, apologize quickly and sincerely, then move on. The bigger deal you make out of the situation, the more uncomfortable it is for everyone. Excerpted from GLAAD's "Tips for Allies of Transgender People"
3. Wife? Probably not. We may continue to refer to one another as My Partner, even though we are legally wed. I think there are some heterosexual couples to who follow this custom as well. It feels right for us.
4. Some wedding customs don't make sense, so we won't be doing them. No tossing of the bouquet, no father-daughter or mother-son dance, no father walking "the bride" (see above--I'm a complicated bride) down the aisle. Like many couples of all ages and genders, we are crafting a ceremony and ritual that is about us.
5. Just because our marriage is legal in Oregon doesn't mean it will be legal if we move to, say, Arizona. I'm pointing this out because same-sex civil rights are not guaranteed across the United States. End of political broadcast.
6. We are so excited for our upcoming wedding!!! I am thrilled to pieces that so many of the people we invited will be able to join us. This ceremony, regardless of the legal status afforded us in the state of Oregon, is about being surrounded by our friends and family--and we expect you to hold us to our public commitment to each other, in good times and in trying times.
C'mon and celebrate with us!
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