Our Same-sex Wedding Etiquette

This is not Same-Sex Wedding Etiquette one size fits all. 

This is specific to our wedding.  However, I am posting it out in public space because it may be helpful for others who haven't thought about--or haven't communicated about--some of the differences and nuances of a same-sex union.

In planning for our wedding, we have run into various hurdles (speed-bumps, really; no one has put up actual roadblocks in Oregon).  These have even come from LGBT people and gay-friendly allies and vendors.  So, I offer you, our family and friends who are coming to our wedding, some hints and advice.

1.  We are not Two Brides.  Reading this statement is about realizing our complicated relationships with gender, with roles in traditional wedding ceremonies, and about being ourselves. I (Alla) am comfortable being referred to as "the bride".  Chicora is not a bride; but neither is she a groom.  Therefore, we have tried to dispense with the use of Bride (or Ms. and Ms., or even these two women).  We are The Happy Couple or Partners in Marriage.

2.  Let's just talk pronouns for a second.  Chicora's preferred pronoun is "they".  (As LGBT etiquette columnist Stephen Petrow reminds, "it’s always respectful to refer to people in the way that they identify and the best way to do that is to listen.") Because of the work Chicora does with college students, they don't often press for use of the preferred pronoun; but it is their definite preference.  "This is what makes them feel most comfortable, and seen." (quote and thank you to Ivan Coyote for ongoing gender lessons)

Be polite and respectful when you ask a person which pronoun they prefer. Then use that pronoun and encourage others to do so. If you accidentally use the wrong pronoun, apologize quickly and sincerely, then move on. The bigger deal you make out of the situation, the more uncomfortable it is for everyone.  Excerpted from GLAAD's "Tips for Allies of Transgender People"

3.  Wife?  Probably not.  We may continue to refer to one another as My Partner, even though we are legally wed.  I think there are some heterosexual couples to who follow this custom as well.  It feels right for us.

4.  Some wedding customs don't make sense, so we won't be doing them.  No tossing of the bouquet, no father-daughter or mother-son dance,  no father walking "the bride" (see above--I'm a complicated bride) down the aisle.  Like many couples of all ages and genders, we are crafting a ceremony and ritual that is about us.

5.  Just because our marriage is legal in Oregon doesn't mean it will be legal if we move to, say, Arizona.  I'm pointing this out because same-sex civil rights are not guaranteed across the United States.  End of political broadcast.

6.  We are so excited for our upcoming wedding!!!  I am thrilled to pieces that so many of the people we invited will be able to join us.  This ceremony, regardless of the legal status afforded us in the state of Oregon, is about being surrounded by our friends and family--and we expect you to hold us to our public commitment to each other, in good times and in trying times. 

C'mon and celebrate with us!

All planning, all the time

Gads, less than 90 days to the big event.  And it looms large...

Good thing The Boy moved out when he did: we turned his former bedroom into Wedding Planning Central.  Centerpiece of the room is the giant planning board.  Color coordinated (of course), and kept up-to-date by the Wedding Planner Extraordinaire.

She said today that she is the love-child of Martha Stewart and Bob Vila.  I believe it.

Favors for Book-themed Wedding

I am not a nick-knack person.  I generally see them as dust-gatherers.

And I don't believe that many of the wedding favors pushed by the wedding-industrial complex are welcomed by their recipients.  Who really wants a tiny jar of bubble soap?  Or barware engraved with our names or initials?

Our solution: bookmarks.  And children's books.

Each wedding guest who wants will be invited to take a children's book with them.  I hope that they will be loved, and read, and passed on to other children.

Sea of Blue/Teal/Aqua

Our colors are aqua and pewter, with touches of eggplant/deep plum.  We seem to have a plethora of blue shades at work here.

Clockwise from top left: (1) Sweetie's dress shirt, purchased for the wedding (she may not end up wearing it though); (2) Junior bridesmaid's dress, with swatch color card for reference; (3) ribbon fabric, will be combined with white tulle for the altar arch; (4) fabric for table decor; (5) embellished felt, for possible decoration; (6) the original inspiration fabric.
 

Blue landscape glass, for table centerpieces.

 Confidential for MB: is the color of the bag on the left too bright?  The flocked fabric on the right will be a table covering (gift table, most likely), the tulle in the center will adorn the bar area as bunting.  I have several of the purple bags--you can see they hold 4 pictures--but don't have a plan for how they might be used.

Got the Guest Book

Thanks to a timely coupon from Shutterfly, we made our Guest Book as a photo book, using one of the templates available on the site.

I won't say it was child's play, but it seemed pretty straightforward.  (Especially with Sweetie doing most of the work.)  We peppered the book with Selfies; seemed pretty cheesy, but fun.

I have seen good Shutterfly coupons from Groupon, from Coke Rewards, from the bridal shows we have attended, and from being on their email list from previous purchases.

Wedding Sewing/Crafting

That other post is taking care of sewing goals not related to my upcoming wedding, but I need a place to keep track of wedding sewing and crafting.  And my mind is reeling from all the To-Do lists I am trying to hold in there, so better to write it all down in one location.

1.  Oakie outfit
2.  Button/brooch bouquet
2.  Take in shoulders on Junior Bridesmaid dress
3.  Table runner for the cake table
4.  Ribbon streamers for the arbor
5.  Underlayer for table toppers
6.  Groom's gift
7.  Cover-up for the winery's statue

Only if there's time...
8.  Curtain poetry
9.  Knit boy briefs zip pouch
10.  Kleenex couch(es)

More Program-ish Ideas

I already mentioned the Wolfpack Program. (I sent this idea to my graphic design-y friend, and she is doing the artwork for me)  But I keep thinking of ways to entertain, surprise, delight, and inform our guests.  (Our wedding theme is "Loving, living and learning" and is represented with books and lots of text.)

One example of our text-y deliciousness

Mad Libs.  I really like this idea, since it goes so well with our book/wordy theme.  Found downloads for 6 different templates at Something Turquoise here and here.

I want to use something similar to the Mad Libs, but just like the I Spy cards I already bought from Green-Eyed Girl Productions, they are too traditionally gendered for a same-sex couple such as Sweetie and I.  Sigh.  Well... it just gives me more impetus to personalize.

Program Ideas

Yes, I probably would have known so much more about this if I went on Pinterest.  But it's a bad, bad place for a person with ADD such as myself.  Even more of a Pandora's box than the Interwebs themselves (which are already pretty bad)

Wolfpack Program (go ahead, look it up if you must; if you already know what it is, you are probably rolling your eyes at this point and saying "Geez!" at my clear lack of wedding culture knowledge)

Shamelessly stolen from: www.southboundbride.com/diy-wolfpack-wedding-programs/

Maybe I can get my seriously-talented almost-a-professional-graphic-artist friend to work on this one. 

While I'm at it, great compilation site for wedding ideas and DIY blogging info:
Wedding Bee